#12 Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow – Oct 17, 2007

Amount of hair left: none (with the exception of eyebrows and eyelashes)
Number of redundant items I now own: 33
Number of items soon to be redundant: 2
Number of hats bought: 12

So, the time has finally come when I have no hair left at all, and, apart from being rather cold, I feel fine about it. Although it may be hard to believe, throughout the whole of the 2+ years this has been going on I have never really got upset about having cancer. I’m not sure why, it just isn’t a reaction I’ve had. When I found out I would be having chemo that would make me lose my hair though, I thought that the moment it started falling out and I had to get Justin to shave my head would be the moment I really cried. Not necessarily because I would be literally losing my hair, but because of what it meant. It’s hard to explain, but when you get diagnosed with cancer it completely takes over your life. Suddenly the hospital controls your life and makes all of your decisions for you. I have no control over choosing to go to work, going out and socialising any time I choose, making plans further than a week ahead, sometimes less etc. All of the things that I controlled in my life that made my life mine are suddenly in the hands of the hospital and the decisions they make about me. My life is dictated by their appointments, their choice of treatment for me, and so on. However, the one thing I had always retained control over was choosing who I wanted to tell about having cancer. The first time I had chemo I didn’t lose my hair, and no-one I walked past in the street could ever have guessed that I had cancer. Suddenly I don’t have that choice any more. By losing my hair then anyone who sees me will know I am ill. The final bit of control I had over the cancer has now gone, and that is what I thought would really upset me.

At the moment I am feeling ok about it though, and for practical purposes it was a relief when my hair started falling out and Justin shaved my head. What they neglected to mention at the hospital is that for nearly a week before your hair starts falling out your scalp gets very painful, so that when you eventually have that morning where you wake up and there’s hair on your pillow, it’s almost good because you know it’s going to stop hurting. There’s not much point having hair if your scalp is so sore that you can’t touch your hair to wash it! So, once Justin had shaved my head then it was just a case of sweeping up behind me as I walked around the house malting, and using a clothes brush to clean my pillow every morning. Once it started coming out it came out very quickly too, which meant there were a couple of days when I had a shower and the bath looked like a hairdresser’s floor afterwards! We always had a laugh about it though, and it actually coincided with finding out I was pregnant with the twins, so I had more important things to think about than whether or not my hair, or lack of it, looked ok. Fortunately as my hair fell out no unsightly lumps or bumps appeared on my head (because you have no idea what your scalp looks like, I was worried before I lost my hair that mine might be a funny shape or something!) and I can report though that I seem to have quite a small tidy head, with no bumps on it, and some quite small ears to go along with it. For vanity purposes it is a great relief!

However, my new bald status has meant that many things I now own are completely useless to me. Among them are: hairdryer; hair straighteners; hair bands and clips; razor blades and razor; epliator; shampoos; conditioners; hair brushes – and so the list goes on. Because of course, it isn’t just the hair on your head that you lose, but every bit of body hair you have. At the moment I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes, but eventually these too will go, and when they do I can add tweezers and mascara to the list of redundant items. Still, for every minus there’s a plus – I now get to shop for hats, a wardrobe item that I have never bought before. I now own 12 hats in a variety of styles and colours, and on top of that I can get ready to go out about 15 minutes quicker than normal because I don’t need to faff around with hair washing and drying etc, which means extra time in bed and no worries about a bad hair day. So, what do I really have to cry about, I’m actually pretty lucky! The only slight downside is that I’ve discovered it’s rather chilly in the cold weather with no hair, which does mean that I walk around the house in a beanie, but hey there’s no-one to see me so why should I care?!

All in all losing my hair has been a problem-free experience, with no tears and no embarrassment. I did think before I lost my hair that I wouldn’t want people to see my bald head, that it would be a really personal thing, but actually I don’t care at all. Justin hasn’t recoiled from me in horror when he’s seen it, which, although I knew deep down he wouldn’t, I still worried about before the event. So, I’m just looking at it for what it is, something temporary that is simply a sign of fighting an illness I’m determined to beat.

xxx