#10 Getting Back On Track – Oct 3, 2007
Number of days since last chemo: 40
Number of days until next chemo: 2
Number of chemo treatments left: still 5 but soon to be 4!
Mood: surprisingly calm
Well, after a big delay the time for my next chemo treatment has finally arrived, and in just 2 days time I’ll be back at the hospital having another marathon drug session. For the first time since I found out about having to have chemotherapy again I can honestly say I’m feeling ok about it too. I feel like I’ve found my fight again, and I’m determined to just have the chemo and get it finished and out of the way as soon as possible. Having got pregnant with the twins so unexpectedly has really given me so much hope, and now I just can’t wait to get the treatment finished and get my life back.
There’s still so many chemo sessions left, but I’m just concentrating on the fact that, all going well, I can get the majority of them over with this side of Christmas, and I’m not thinking beyond that at the moment. I found when I had chemo last year that dividing your chemo sessions into chunks in your head, and not thinking about them as a whole really helps to make them seem more manageable. Well, it did for me anyway. I look at them in 2 session blocks, which means that by the time Friday has come and gone I will be a third of the way through, which to me sounds way better than saying 2 down, 4 to go. Also, it definitely helps to try to have something to aim for while you’re having chemo. The first time around I got married after session 4, which is an extreme event to have in the middle of things, and granted not one that many other people would have! However, this time for me it’s going to see Frank Skinner at the NEC in mid-November. I’m determined that I’m going to be well enough to go. Also, Christmas is providing a good natural break, and means that I can just focus on the treatments this side of Christmas, and not have to think about the ones afterwards. I did the same with the wedding last year, when chemo started I only thought about the 4 sessions I had before the wedding, and only once the wedding was over did I think about the final 2. It’s all psychological, and what works for me might not be the same for everyone, but it makes me feel better about the treatment, and helped me to get through it with my sanity intact last time, so I’m sticking with it!
Physically too, apart from having picked up some cold germs (a bald head and cold weather doesn’t mix very well I’m finding) I’m doing really well. Having had an unexpected extra 3 weeks to recover from the first lot of chemo has meant that my cell counts have all bounced back well (I hope – blood tests yesterday should confirm it) and so I’m feeling a lot stronger. Mentally, although the miscarriage has been really tough, I’m starting to feel better about it. Mind you, having said that I did break down on Justin at 1:00 this morning because it suddenly hit me how much I missed the twins, a feeling I hadn’t had at all since the miscarriage started. Apart from that outburst I’m really feeling ok about it though, the miscarriage has finished now and I’m ready to move on to what lies ahead. I’m just hoping it’s not too awful! My lovely district nurse is already on standby though, and is coming in on Saturday morning just to check I’m not as ill as I was the first time around. There’s a chance it might not be quite as awful because the doctors think that I was probably a bit more sick than I normally would’ve been because I had morning sickness on top, which at the time I didn’t realise. I really hope they’re right!
So, I guess that’s it for the moment. I’ll write again after I’m through the worst of no. 2 and let you all know how it went. But right now, as Shakespeare so aptly wrote, it’s “Once more unto the breach, dear friends…”
xxx
